Self-Injurious Moments of 2006 Awards Season

Without some minor injuries, your favorite awards shows would barely be watchable. Here's a few oozing scabs to pick at:

• Writer Annie Proulx wrote a short story back in 1997 that resulted in a film called Brokeback Mountain, which was nominated for the Best Picture Oscar in 2006. She thought it should have won that award. It did not. We’re all entitled to our opinion. Her blast of all things Academy can be viewed here.
  
  
• Conan O'Brien brought on the funny during the opening sequence of the 58th Annual Emmy Awards, including a controversial nod to the absence of a nomination for ABC's TV series Lost. Unfortunately, Comair Flight 5191 crashed earlier in the day and ruined everything.
  
  
• Carrie Underwood takes home two CMA Awards. Faith Hill takes home the Practical-Joke-Gone-Horribly-Wrong Award, by faking astonishment when Underwood won Female Vocalist of the Year. No longer wondering why Tim McGraw gets all the acting gigs in the family, are ya? Keith Urban missed all the antics while he was recovering in rehab.
  
  
• Despite giving out an award for Ringtone of the Year and featuring Shakira in a performance where only her hips were telling the truth, the MTV Music Video Awards had a disappointing television viewer turnout in 2006. To what can we contribute the loss of nearly half the 2004 viewing audience? Famine? The more likely culprit; the omission of the Breakthrough Video category.

In honor of all things outrageous, I present the following award absurdity:

Two South African rugby players, Ben Zimry and Wayne Matthee are suspects in the pummeling and kicking death of opposing player Riaan Loots. Both players were subsequently presented with a player of the year and backline player of the year at the Delicious Rugby Club's award benefit. All things equal, the award goes to the player with the highest death toll.

Good riddance, 2006 with all your bleeding wounds of entertainment.

Six Degrees of Oscar Separation in Quotes

The official Oscar commemorative poster has been released, opening the way for a walk down memory lane. As we speak, I am waiting for the Academy to grant permission to put the pic of the poster right here on my delightful blog. But while we're waiting, let's relive my top four favorite movie lines. And be prepared for the impending quotable line montage that we all know will be a part of the nostalgia-loving Academy Awards show, airing on February 25, 2007.

UPDATE: The process for me to obtain press status for the Academy Award poster pic has been far to complex for my wee little brain to handle at this juncture. So I will provide you with a description that you can envision while closing your eyes. Please refrain from closing your eyes until after you have read this post, however.

POSTER VISUALIZATION EXERCISE: Close your eyes and picture a giant golden statuette in the likeness of Oscar. Not Oscar the Grouch. Now picture a dark background (possibly black)with memorable quotes from some of Hollywood's most award winning movies in various font sizes and a stunning golden hue. Lovely, isn't it? Finally, envision this poster hovering, preferrably left margin justified, above this blog entry. There. No special press authorization required.

While not all quotes come directly from an Oscar nominated/winning film or performance, six degrees of separation will prevail, linking every one to Academy Award infamy.

"I'm not a hole in the wall, I'm Rollergirl." from Boogie Nights

• Paul Thomas Anderson was nominated in the Best Writing category for the Boogie Nights screenplay (ok, that one was easy!)

"Fat guy in little coat" from Tommy Boy

• Brian Dennehy played Big Tom Callahan in Tommy Boy
• Dennehy played Ted Montague in Romeo + Juliet
• Romeo + Juliet received an Oscar nom for Best Art Direction

"Why am I Mr. Pink?" from Resevoir Dogs

• Mr. Pink was played by Steve Buscemi
• Buscemi played the role of Garland "the Marietta Mangler" Greene in Con Air
• "How Do I Live" the theme from Con Air, was nominated in the Best Song Category

"I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!" from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

• The Austin Powers film series is a parody of the James Bond film series
• From 1962-1967 and again in 1971 Sean Connery played the role of our favorite 007, Bond, James Bond
• Sean Connery won the Oscar for Best Actor in a Supporting Role for his turn as Jim Malone in The Untouchables

And there you have it, my favorite movie quotes and their connection to Oscar. What about you, my loyal reading public? Do you have any favorite movie lines with a dubious Oscar connection? Have at it! If you are having trouble with the visualization exercise, then take your existentialism-lacking ass to the poster website.

MySpace to Honor Do-gooders with Impact Awards

In an effort to cast aside its image as a festering cesspool of child predators and meeting ground for bed-hopping teens, MySpace has created the Impact Awards. These awards are intended to recognize members of the infamous social/community portal that have used their MySpace powers for good.

If you know of someone who is a MySpace member and has made an impact in one of six categories (community-building, health and safety, social justice, poverty relief, environmentalism and international development) using their MySpace account, then you can nominate them here. And in case you were wondering, yes, the Impact Awards have friends, too.

Fox Awards Reality with Reality Remix Really Awards

Say that five times fast. Not sure what the word "really" is doing in the title, except to attempt the most ridiculous, retch-inducing, random act of allite-ration in the history of award show programming. Well done, Fox, well done.

Kennedy, of MTV fame hosted the night. Poor Kennedy. Where did your career go wrong? The stars (erp) from Laguna Beach were too busy, either preparing to shoot the upcoming season or continuing to sully the good name of the real Laguna Beach, to show up for the ceremony. Shame, shame.

A drunken may lay ensued (expected), and awards were dolled out in the following manner:

Favorite Fight winner - Pumpkin vs New York on Flavor of Love
Favorite Pottymouth winner - Janice Dickinson on the Surreal Life
Favorite Tears winner - Andrae Gonzalo from Project Runway
Best Shomance winner - Mike Boogie & Dr Will Kirby from Big Brother All Stars
Favorite Winner winner - BJ Averell & Tyler MacNiven from the Amazing Race
Best Hottie winner - Katherine McPhee from American Idol
Favorite Villain winner - Dr Will Kirby from Big Brother All Stars
Favorite Judge winner - Carrie Ann Inaba from Dancing With the Stars
Favorite Altered State winner - Lisa DAmato from America's Next Top Model
Favorite Reality Show winner - American Idol
Favorite Non-comp Series winner - Real World Key West & Surreal Life
Favorite Competition Show winner - Big Brother All Stars
Most Memorable Reality Performer winner - Johnny Fairplay from Survivor

[Source] Realityblurred.com
[Source] Tvgasm.com

Blogcritics Gets Hip, Crisp New Look

As a new writer for Blogcritics, I was just learning to navigate my way around the site and get a feel for where the articles and topics I enjoy were located. Then, WHAM-BAM they up and changed everything. A change for the better as it turns out. The redesign leaves you with a fresh, clean feeling.... well I don't like where this is going!? What I'm really trying to convey is how the same great writers and personality can still be found at Blogcritics. You want reviews on music, literature or movies. They still have reviews. Looking for the mental_floss Q of the Day. It's still there to tickle your sense of inquisitiveness. It's always nice to see a site raise the bar, rather than get all comfy with the same tired look. Now the bar is so high I can barely see it. But I'm only 5'1", you'll probably have better luck. So head on over that way and you be the judge. The award for best redesign on a website, ever...goes to Blogcritics!

Academy Award Trivia

As a lover of all things Oscar, I took O'Neil's Oscar Trivia Quiz and scored 77%. Ouch. Hey wait, that's a solid "C". I will not hang my head in shame. Take the quiz yourself smarty-pants and see how well you do.

Runaway Bride Wants Divorce

The award for most delusional non-celebrity goes to Jennifer Wilbanks, a.k.a. The Runaway Bride. She's had some time to think while completing her stint as server of the community, and what she's come to realize is that mowing lawns is no way to make a living. Unfortunately, the right to sue for half of everything your significant other owns is reserved for those couples who actually made it down the aisle. The award for most delusional celebrity goes to Mel Gibson.

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American Takes Sixth Nobel

Nobel Prize winning Americans unite!! Congrats to Edmund S. Phelps who was awarded the 2006 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences. There are two awards left, the literature and peace prizes, and the Americans are looking for a sweeeeeeep! I'm ready to let the news that Canada won the 2005 Dumbest Government of the Year award, go. For more news on the Nobel Prize go here or here.

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Rewarding Stupidity

The winners for 4th Annual World Stupidity Awards have been revealed! I love that there are awards for stupidity! I love that there is an actual ceremony and that awards are accepted on the winners behalf because the winner was not in attendance. I love that President Bush has his own category of stupid statements so he's guaranteed to win. I love that Bulgaria is pissed that they didn't win any awards and snark about it here. Only area for improvement regarding the stupidity awards is to bring back the Dumbest Governement of the Year award. The Canadians took it from us last year; I think we have a chance to knock them off their high horse, and reclaim victory for our proud nation.

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Conspiracy theory: AMA tickets not available

The American Music Awards, one of the few legit award shows that allows the public to select the winners, is apparently barring the public from joining in the festivities at the Shrine Auditorium. In previous years, tickets for floor or balcony seating were available through Ticketmaster or various online brokers. After a thorough search of the internet, it appears that no tickets are available anywhere?? I have sent a request for pricing information to TotalTickets.com to see if they actually have tickets available. I also sent a request to abc.com for information regarding the availability of tickets to the show. If you have information that can unravel this mystery, let me know!

UPDATE: I spoke with Melissa at Dick Clark Productions and she assured me that tickets would be available in the next 2-3 weeks through TicketMaster.

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Popeye was wrong

The award for the most unhealthy healthy food goes to spinach! The award for most creative color coding of a visual goes to CNN. I guess soilent green is spinach, not people. Blech!

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Dory's voice to Oscar host

A few hours ago, I was blow drying my hair thinking about how the Academy Awards could possibly get any better. This also got me thinking what a great brainstorming activity blow drying my hair is and that I should consider washing my hair more often. Not freakish OCD often, but more than twice a week should give me ample weekly brainstorming time. But I digress. There is always room for improvement, even where the Academy Awards are concerned. Perhaps Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could get married during the telecast, or a drunken Mel Gibson would rush the stage and flash photos of baby Suri. Or maybe, just maybe Ellen DeGeneres could host! Now I realize that Ellen DeGeneres as host seems too good to be true, and when I think of something that's too good to be true I frequently replay the ol' when something seems too good to be true it probably is adage in my mind. In this case Ellen DeGeneres as host of the 79th Academy Awards seems too good to be true, but it IS true. Which leads me to the power of positive thinking, which also seems too good to be true. By the way, lovely photo on the press release, Ellen!

Celebrity moms beware!

Katie, quit you're whining! Suri, we want to see you now!! Lun Lun (pronounced loon-loon), you are the kinda celebrity mom that we dream about! You lay in your little panda nest and have your baby on display for all the world to see immediately following a very noisy birth. With a live camera on you 24/7 , we watch your every stretch and stroke as you cuddle your tiny infant, encouraging and coaxing it to nurse. So the award for most fabulous celebrity mom goes to Lun Lun at the Atlanta Zoo! We anxiously anticipate the tiny panda baby's name, but we bet it won't be Suri. You can watch the live feed here.

Get your hand out of my gift bag!

As a member of the middle income tax bracket, my heart swelled when I learned the IRS would be targeting the Hollywood set for the fair market value of their gift bag and the gifts it contains. However, as I conducted extensive research for this blog entry, I was intrigued to find that the IRS website has a link to "What's Hot" at the IRS. What the, huh?!?! My assumption that the IRS was a money hungry, bureaucratic blow-hard, squelching the meager earnings of the people has been incorrect all along. Instead, it seems the IRS web master has his finger on the pulse of the masses in regard to relevant tax pop culture. Now that I have come to terms with the hip, cool, trendy IRS - I'm adding a link to the hottest IRS news on the net.

Hamburgaled..a sordid tale

And the award for the world's most expensive 1/4 lb hamburger goes to..... Wendy's. My son and I unknowingly stopped there to pick-up a burger and fries after an eventful morning of shopping at Target. My husband and I had recently revamped our monthly budget and determined that we eat out entirely too much, so I thought I'd keep the cost down by ordering two single hamburgers and 2 medium fries. No drinks. No Frosty. Not even cheese. The offending total is circled on my receipt to the left. When I pulled up to the window, I explained to the young lady that I only ordered 2 hamburgers (in the event that they had erroneously charged me for 5 burgers or something) and 2 med fries. She proceeded to explain to my horror that each hamburger was $2.59 EACH!! Holy %$@&*! I said. She calmly referred me here and motioned for me to pull ahead to make way for the next unwitting patron.

58 things I like about you

In honor of the 58th annual Primetime Emmy Awards broadcasting on August 27, 2006, here's a little list to get this blog started:

• Actress Diana Muldaur was born 58 years ago today. For those of you not familiar with her work, she received two Emmy nominations for her portrayal of no-holds-barred attorney Rosalind Shays on L.A. Law. She also played thrice divorced Dr. Katherine Pulaski on season two of Star Trek: The Next Generation. You can purchase her as an action figure here. Better hurry, there's only one left.
• 58 members of the species/subspecies Felis silvestris catus and their corresponding rectal swabs were used to determine if cats posed a risk for transmission of Salmonella. And not just any ol' Salmonella; antimicrobial drug-resistant Salmonella. The resulting results of this study are:

1. Keep your cats litter box clean

2. Wash your hands

3. Sick cats are bad

For all you cat lovers out there, and I know there are millions of you, no cat was injured during the study (at least I don't think so). Needless to say, all of the 58 cats were dead on arrival at the CDC, and had previously signed waivers that upon their demise they would happily donate their potentially Salmonella infested bodies to science.

• And finally, please make someone very happy and go to ebay to bid on these 58 year old doctor stamps.